desire becomes surrender surrender, becomes power

Suddenly another story is over, for good – this time! No returns. Well; not suddenly actually, cause we’ve seen this coming for a long time, and there have been no «us» since a couple a months ago (you left, I realized, I ignored – you accepted, we called it off), but today I got it confirmed. Like confirmed as «it’s really over.» There’s no way we’ll ever feel that way for each other again. The chaos is over, and somehow it feels empty. Somehow. But it will pass. Some of it will. Some of it will stay, and become memories. Stuff we can look back at. Laugh.

I’ve been waiting for this. Craving an end of this particular insanity. And now I’ve had so much time, so many months – just to deal. Deal. Ignore. What is the difference? I may have thought inside myself that it was a fairytale, and that it will go on and on until there’s a happy ending – in the end. But no. Life doesnt work that way.

I had a bad dream before you told me tonight. I dreamt of losing and regretting. It wasn’t about us, but still. It made me realize that sometimes you fight, and sometimes you flight. It’s natural. Everyone has the right to give up sometimes. When you can’t deal any longer, can’t breathe. Suffocate. We didn’t do things perfectly, far from. But we learned a lot. We grew. At least I did.

I don’t know how to say this in my own language even, so I just…. try to find word’s that aren’t really there. They dont exist. What the fuck am I even trying to say? I’m so fucking empty. But this wasnt a surprise. It wasnt a shock, it was real – and it was there. Right in my face. I didnt even flinch. Why? Am I that cold?

I don’t think I’m cold. I just think I was ready.

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